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More than a quarter of men feel the same way. Eric Rechsteiner Ai Aoyama is a sex and relationship counsellor who works out of her narrow three-storey home on a Tokyo back street. Her first name means "love" in Japanese, and is a keepsake from her earlier days as a professional dominatrix.

Back then, about 15 years ago, she was Queen Ai, or Queen Love, and she did "all the usual things" like tying people up and dripping hot wax on their nipples. Her work today, she says, is far more challenging. For their government, "celibacy syndrome" is part of a looming national catastrophe.

Its population of million , which has been shrinking for the past decade, is projected to plunge a further one-third by The sign outside her building says "Clinic". She greets me in yoga pants and fluffy animal slippers, cradling a Pekingese dog whom she introduces as Marilyn Monroe. In her business pamphlet, she offers up the gloriously random confidence that she visited North Korea in the s and squeezed the testicles of a top army general.

Inside, she takes me upstairs to her "relaxation room" a bedroom with no furniture except a double futon. The number of single people has reached a record high. Another study found that a third of people under 30 had never dated at all.

There are no figures for same-sex relationships. Although there has long been a pragmatic separation of love and sex in Japan a country mostly free of religious morals sex fares no better. More than a quarter of men felt the same way. Fewer babies were born here in than any year on record. This was also the year, as the number of elderly people shoots up, that adult incontinence pants outsold baby nappies in Japan for the first time. Kunio Kitamura, head of the JFPA, claims the demographic crisis is so serious that Japan "might eventually perish into extinction".

The country is undergoing major social transition after 20 years of economic stagnation. There is no going back.

Japanese men have become less career-driven, and less solvent, as lifetime job security has waned. Japanese women have become more independent and ambitious. Yet conservative attitudes in the home and workplace persist.

Cohabiting or unmarried parenthood is still unusual, dogged by bureaucratic disapproval. Lacking long-term shared goals, many are turning to what she terms "Pot Noodle love" easy or instant gratification, in the form of casual sex, short-term trysts and the usual technological suspects: They are recovering hikikomori "shut-ins" or recluses taking the first steps to rejoining the outside world, otaku geeks , and long-term parasaito shingurus parasite singles who have reached their mids without managing to move out of home.

Of the estimated 13 million unmarried people in Japan who currently live with their parents, around three million are over the age of They flinch if I touch them," she says. Keen to see her nation thrive, she likens her role in these cases to that of the Edo period courtesans, or oiran , who used to initiate samurai sons into the art of erotic pleasure.

Aversion to marriage and intimacy in modern life is not unique to Japan. Nor is growing preoccupation with digital technology. For Japanese women today, marriage is the grave of their hard-won careers. Tomita has a job she loves in the human resources department of a French-owned bank.

A fluent French speaker with two university degrees, she avoids romantic attachments so she can focus on work. After that, I lost interest in dating. It became awkward when the question of the future came up. You end up being a housewife with no independent income. Married working women are sometimes demonised as oniyome, or "devil wives". Her end was not pretty. Prime minister Shinzo Abe recently trumpeted long-overdue plans to increase female economic participation by improving conditions and daycare, but Tomita says things would have to improve "dramatically" to compel her to become a working wife and mother.

I go out with my girl friends career women like me to French and Italian restaurants. I buy stylish clothes and go on nice holidays. I love my independence. Romantic commitment seems to represent burden and drudgery, from the exorbitant costs of buying property in Japan to the uncertain expectations of a spouse and in-laws. And the centuries-old belief that the purpose of marriage is to produce children endures.

The sense of crushing obligation affects men just as much. Satoru Kishino, 31, belongs to a large tribe of men under 40 who are engaging in a kind of passive rebellion against traditional Japanese masculinity. Amid the recession and unsteady wages, men like Kishino feel that the pressure on them to be breadwinning economic warriors for a wife and family is unrealistic. They are rejecting the pursuit of both career and romantic success. He defines it as "a heterosexual man for whom relationships and sex are unimportant".

The phenomenon emerged a few years ago with the airing of a Japanese manga-turned-TV show. The lead character in Otomen "Girly Men" was a tall martial arts champion, the king of tough-guy cool.

Secretly, he loved baking cakes, collecting "pink sparkly things" and knitting clothes for his stuffed animals. But he does like cooking and cycling, and platonic friendships. Emotional entanglements are too complicated," he says. Ironically, the salaryman system that produced such segregated marital roles wives inside the home, husbands at work for 20 hours a day also created an ideal environment for solo living.

Some experts believe the flight from marriage is not merely a rejection of outdated norms and gender roles. It could be a long-term state of affairs. Is Japan providing a glimpse of all our futures? Many of the shifts there are occurring in other advanced nations, too.

Across urban Asia, Europe and America, people are marrying later or not at all, birth rates are falling, single-occupant households are on the rise and, in countries where economic recession is worst, young people are living at home. But demographer Nicholas Eberstadt argues that a distinctive set of factors is accelerating these trends in Japan.

With a vast army of older people and an ever-dwindling younger generation, Japan may become a "pioneer people" where individuals who never marry exist in significant numbers, he said.

Most are still too young to have concrete future plans, but projections for them are already laid out. Their chances of remaining childless are even higher: Emi Kuwahata, 23, and her friend, Eri Asada, 22, meet me in the shopping district of Shibuya. Kuwahata, a fashion graduate, is in a casual relationship with a man 13 years her senior.

Although Japan is sexually permissive, the current fantasy ideal for women under 25 is impossibly cute and virginal. But, smart phones in hand, they also admit they spend far more time communicating with their friends via online social networks than seeing them in the flesh. But he also believes the rest of the world is not far behind. Getting back to basics, former dominatrix Ai Aoyama Queen Love is determined to educate her clients on the value of "skin-to-skin, heart-to-heart" intimacy.

She berates the government for "making it hard for single people to live however they want" and for "whipping up fear about the falling birth rate".


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